So, I wanted to catch up again and write a little about what’s been going on in life. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately, trying to once again figure out myself and why I fall into the thinking patterns that I do. One major thing I’ve been tackling lately is my self-esteem, confidence, and self worth. I mean, I know my worth. I know I am valuable (and you guys should know YOU are valuable as well!). But do you ever fall into the thinking pattern of sometimes just feeling… less than? Or not good enough?
Because, same here.
And its not even that I think this 24/7. But the spurts I do have of thinking this is enough to bother me, and its a pattern of thought that I really want to stop doing. But I know the only way to stop patterns like this, is to get to the root of why that pattern exists within you and work from there. Most issues surrounding thought process in us humans tends to be because there is deeper issues beneath the surface. And today I wanna put out another journal entry of my reflection, and what I figured out is the reason that exists. And with that, hopefully that can help put you on the path to your reflection and help you too.
Sporadic Thoughts – Originally written on November 14th.
I don’t exactly know how I developed this pattern and habit of putting others on a higher pedestal than myself. I don’t really know where that came from.
But what I do know, is that I see that pattern affecting me. And it might sound dramatic. And it might be dramatic. But it really does cause me a lot of suffering that I don’t need to have.
Every time I slip into being sad about something thats happened within my relationships, it is usually linked into insecurity. Maybe because of my expectations; but also because I build these people up so much that when the expectations don’t happen, I feel like it must be because of me. Because Im the one who built them up, Im the one who put them on the pedestal that they’re on in my subconscious. So of course Im going to think that the thing that went wrong had to be myself. But thats not always the case, realistically. And the older I get, and more perspective I have on things; thats usually not the case.
But yet for some reason, every reaction I have, I take things and make them personal. And the main reason this is so detrimental is because in this way, you are making everything about you – when in reality, it isn’t. Let’s say you get rejected or something. Maybe someone realizes they’re not meant for you, when you were just being yourself. And oddly enough – the ironic part – that has nothing to do with you. I mean, that has everything to do with that person, what they’re looking for, and what attracts them. And if thats not you, thats their loss! Just because they are looking for what they feel is best for them, does not tie into your self worth. Your worth doesn’t rely on the opinions of others. It never did.
And yet, your making their opinion about you? Something thats theirs! And why? Like seriously; think about why.
Is it because they’re actually that great or “superior” of a person? Is it because they really deserve the most incredible in the world? Not in the sense of hating or wishing bad on anyone; but other people are human just like you are. They have their anxieties, embarrassments, skeletons in the closet and negative things about them just like you do. They have their awkwardness, their own insecurities and rough times. So why are you spinning it on you? Why do you spin it into “I must’ve not been comparable to other people”? Their life has nothing to do with you, your life and your path forward. It has everything to do with them, and their life and mental state.
What I wanna do for myself is stop putting myself down. Stop bullying myself into thinking “its because others are prettier, its because it seems like you have nobody, because it seems like you have nothing going on , because it seems like you are not motivated.” Where is any of that true? News flash: its not. And yet your voluntarily bullying yourself. Voluntarily. Key word. Because thats what suffering is; its voluntary. Picking on yourself and belittling yourself because some other person just wasn’t good enough for you. And not good enough in the sense that theres something wrong with them; but good enough in the sense that they’re not meant for you. There will be others. Other men, other friends, other people. You know that.
In brief moments it might feel like your insecurity is the end of the world. But this is why you need to come back to whats really going on, and be logical. Emotions are some of the greatest traits that we possess; seeing whats in front sometimes is harder. Because insecurity clouds that. But realism and logic is what will bring you back down to earth, and see things for how they are. Not perception, or how you “think” they are, in relation to only yourself. Always look at the bigger picture. Remember that you have this pattern, and work to change it. I promise, it helps – what goes down always comes back up.